Ever-Changing Rooms

Ever since I cast an enchantment on my kitchen and bathroom, I’ve been very happy with this new home. The place just felt so…static before. See, I’m used to a degree of change, due to my quarters in the castle being under the same spell of transfiguration. This meant that the place looked completely different every single time I walk in the room, and it’s the same here now. Today I went to the bathroom to do the regular bathroom things, and it had renovated overnight to give itself a nautical theme. Porthole and all. It was quite nice.

With that in mind, I can see why people are so into the idea of kitchen and bathroom remodelling in this realm…albeit without magic, so it becomes time-consuming and quite costly. Still, worth the wait. Sometimes I wonder if I could get into the kitchen renovation business instead of my current position helping out with children’s parties, which I despise. But then, even banished wizards are taken to task if they use their magic to interfere, or especially if they use magic to garner fame and fortune for themselves. This is meant to be a punishment, after all. Besides, I already have to cast subtle twisting spells to make the appropriate balloon animals for the demanding children, and that in itself is skirting the edges of the law.

Just imagine, though…someone would ask me to create them the perfect bathroom, and I would be able to do it in any number of ways. I could animate their drawing or plan with a life-projection spell. I could astrally project the image of the perfect kitchen renovation onto the minds of anyone who walks into the room. I could cast a complicated enchantment of longing upon the room, so that it transforms into the shape one wishes for.

Bit risky with that one, though. At least with conventional, non-magical renovations, the room stays as it is. People might notice if they thought it’d be nice to have a dishwasher and one suddenly sprouted from the wall.

Trade-Off is Love, Trade-Off is Life


I know I usually just talk about the one thing, but how can I when the Great Australian Trade-Off is back on our screens? I do have other interests, and one of them is a bit of home improvement. Well, when I can get the lazy husband off his butt to come and help me, but…who needs him? I don’t mind rolling up my sleeves and ripping out a few kitchen cabinets to make way for new and better things.

That was the main focus of the show this week, of course: complete kitchen renovations. The contestants were set some extremely tough challenges, watched over by professionals in the kitchen makeover field, and let me tell ya…I would’ve looked at some of these projects and hung up my GATO tool belt right there and then. Glynda, that silly woman who got eliminated last week, would’ve fainted on the spot. I suppose they must all just be more professional than that, because they took it in their stride and got down to some serious kitchen makeover madness.

Jorge was given a kitchen to renovate that was basically OWNED by rats, so he had to remove them and then clean up…everything they left behind. Tania was set upon a student kitchen that had seemingly never been cleaned, with the cooker so gunked up that she needed a blowtorch to get through the grime. And Harriet…wow. She was given a kitchen from the eighties. Sunshine yellow tiles, all over the dang place. It was an absolute nightmare and she turned it into a dream.

Oh gosh, I could watch people do kitchen refacing all day long. We really should just bite the bullet and pay for that subscription to the industrial kitchen renovation channel: kitchen renovations, 24/7.



We Need Us a Fine Kitchen Space

Now that we’re all settling in nicely, it’s time to put in the flourishes on the place. The castle-mansion was quite nice when we moved in, but this is all about putting in a personal touch. I can’t see us ever going back to Romania, not in quite a number of years, so it’s time to start planning some serious renovations. Surely, there are plenty of purveyors of commercial charcoal grills around here who can help us out. I’ve been terribly impressed with the visual aspect of Melbourne thus far, so perhaps something with a bit of a fusion aspect, just so we can proudly display our heritage.

Kitchens in Transylvania are quite taken with the theme of black. Black stoves, black cookers, and all of it looking rather rustic, like it was all hand-forged. Indeed, our kitchen back in the family castle was hand-forged back in the 1400s when the castle was built, with only minor adjustments for modern conveniences. My favourite piece was in the very centre of the kitchen: a cast-iron furnace, big enough for several people to stand inside. I wonder if any kitchen renovators would be able to ‘hook us up’ with something similar? Not that we want to put people in there, of course! Haha. You don’t cook people…it ruins all the flavour.

In any case, I’m also really wanting a kitchen surface of black marble like we used to have. I liked the effect, and it made cleaning a charm. The wife really enjoyed the storage, so something like that will go over quite well, plus we can’t forget the children’s cupboard. We like to instill a sense of duty and reward, so they both have their dedicated space for ingredients and also treats.

Perhaps we’ll get together as a family and make a list of things we need. Oh, and a commercial deep fryer would be wonderful! And if we have to import some pure-black cast iron…we shall!

-I.M. Payler-Alucard