Hair Wizard Wanted

How do you choose a hairdresser? I’m asking because, being new in town, I find myself faced with task of doing just that. Back in London, I routinely went to a guy who was a life consultant, gossip provider and sommelier all rolled into one. I’ve had him on speed dial for the past five years, so I haven’t had to consider any other options.

So, I ask you: what’s your go-to luxury hair salon in the Melbourne CBD, and why? I need to find my new stylist slash confidante on the double. By now, you might have begun to gather what I tend to gravitate towards in a hairdresser. In essence, it’s someone with a strong ability to sense what I need before I know that I need it. My hairdresser is not someone who simply cuts my hair the way I tell them to; it’s someone who steps in and tactfully saves me from my own poor judgement, in hair and in life.

I know, I know. That seems like a lot to ask. But it’s really just about two people getting along. I want to have a rapport with my stylist – I mean, if that’s not there, how are they going to be able to assist me in making my desired impression in the world? That’s really what I’m paying them to do. If the job was just to make my hair shorter, I could do that myself with a pair of kitchen scissors, couldn’t I?

I suppose the reason I’m asking how you go about choosing a hairdresser is this: knowing what qualities you look for will help me understand if I’m likely to have an affinity with the same person as you. Melbourne hairdressers, like those in other parts of the world, no doubt come in a wide variety of characters.

Yes, I have high ideals when it comes to finding my hair guru… and that’s why I always have the best hair in town!

Today, the Ultimate Hair Smoother

It’s not the most glamorous life, being a guinea pig. But then…I knew what I was getting into. I signed a massive document that I had to read in detail, and it described all of the horrible things that could happen if something went wrong during the testing process. Because…well, that’s the point of being a guinea pig. But then I’m getting paid stacks to just show up, press some buttons, sometimes just have something sprayed in my face. One quick survey later and I can take the rest of the day off, which is occasionally extra-great because my head has swollen, or I’ve been infected with a mild-to-moderate strain of the black plague. Eh, occupational hazard.

So yeah, fun. Today’s invention was the Ultimate Hair Smoother. Supposedly it’s going to be trialled in a few hair salons in the Melbourne CBD before they roll it out worldwide, but of course, I’m here to make sure it’s totally safe for even the trial process. I even got a bit of a pitch this time: it’s a helmet, of sorts, that makes all hair types into a single type. Just pop it on, and you’ve got the smooth, wavy look that just falls into place by itself, regardless of how many hats you wear or jumpers you take on and off. I think the aim is for people who go and get a haircut, but don’t know how to look after it afterwards. They can just take a spin in the Hair Smoother and they won’t have to worry about the day-to-day maintenance, for a little while at least. So for the first time you can go along to a hairdresser and say ‘I’d like THAT look, please’ and they don’t have to just give you the closest thing possible for your hair type. Of course, it can only give you the one, wavy look, but it’s better than wanting to look like a movie star but having hair like a broom.

Interesting results so far. My scalp sort of feels…tingly. Like a thousand ants with little knives are stabbing me repeatedly. I’m also experiencing tunnel vision, migraines and I think telekinesis. Just gonna tick the ‘unsure’ box on that last one. Along with the ‘cannot currently recommend for Melbourne best hair salons’ box. But hey, big pay day, AND my hair looks fab.