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The Aussie Relationship With Trees

There are some nationalities that just have such a great reputation that I can’t believe they’d do anything truly terrible. Take Nepalese people, for instance. All the ones I’ve met have been lovely. Canadians are so polite. And then you get to Australians, who have this reputation as being a friendly sort who have barbecues and call each other ‘mate’, because everyone is just somebody else’s mate.

Then I get to Australia and…well, I think I always knew it was a normal place, with some friendly people and a small minority of not-friendly people. Now tradespeople…that’s where you find all of that stuff. I worked for a place in Caulfield that does tree removal and the people just seemed to be the salt of the Earth. Maybe something about ripping dead trees out of the ground just means you’re not left with much time for any sort of foolish negativity. It WAS a pretty awesome job, truth be told. So satisfying, going along to a place, setting up the equipment, ripping up those trees by their roots. It all sounded a bit…well, ‘evil corporation’ when I started. We’re ripping up trees! Making way for industry! Nye he he! Whereas it’s mostly just trees that are burrowing underneath the ground and ruining roads, or gigantic dead ones that are taking up space…or gum trees. Which, despite their reputation, can be pretty invasive and hard to get rid of.

I’ve bounced around trades over the years. I’ve never been one to put down my roots, so to speak.  Maybe it’s just because I quickly learned to speak the language, but I always feel at home with that sort of person, even those who are covered in a veil of grouchiness. It’s always skin-deep. And if you lived in Oakleigh and needed tree removal, it’s not like a bit of morning grumblies is going to prevent the job from getting done.

-Raj

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Great Uncle Boris is at it again

My great uncle Boris has always been pretty handy on the ornamental arboriculture front – from pollarding and coppicing to grafting and espalier techniques, he does it all. On the more practical side of things, though, he seems to have a bit of a blind spot. For example, one of his trees if currently overhanging into his neighbour’s yard, and he has been studiously ignoring their increasing frustration with the situation.

The neighbours would, in my opinion, be totally within their rights to ask him to prune the tree back, seeing as it’s beginning to block their window in a major way. I think the only the only reason they haven’t done this yet is that he’s always charming them with homemade jams and pies. Now that I think about it, I doubt he’d be physically up to the task of trimming the offending branches. But he could acknowledge that it’s becoming an issue and dial in an arborist service. Melbourne has been his home for thirty years, but he still feigns being new to the country and not knowing who to call on for this sort of thing.

It’s amusing to me that Boris can be so enamoured of ornamental pruning techniques, and yet have not the slightest bit of interest in things like routine crown thinning, deadwood removal and giving a dang about footpath clearance. This situation with the neighbour is quite a benign situation relative to some of the oversights Boris has pulled off in the past. I remember from when I was a kid in Adelaide that he once allowed a large shrub in his front yard to spill across the footpath and onto the nature strip.

I don’t know what the deal is in Adelaide, but here in Melbourne, tree trimming companies are perfectly abundant, and there’s no reason Boris’ neighbours should have to put up with this. Perhaps I’ll make the call myself; it’s possible that Boris won’t even notice. But I have my suspicions that his apparent obliviousness is actually just his way of entertaining himself.  

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We Wish You A Merry Mechanic

Argh! It’s getting to that time of year when my organisational abilities go flying out the window and I begin to resemble a stressed-out chicken on a mission to avoid having its head cut off. Basically, I start putting off essential tasks that I’d normally be quite diligent about. In their place, I begin to prioritise things like explaining to my son why he can’t glitter-bomb the front lawn, and coming up with excuses to get out of going to my in-laws’ house on Christmas Eve.

One of the many things I’ve been putting off is organising an RWC inspection for the hatchback we’re giving Cassie to celebrate her finally finishing that seemingly endless BA degree of hers. It’s a used car, and we’ve had to do a bit of work on it, but I reckon it’s good to go now. It’s just a matter of getting it out of the garage and over to the mechanic without Cass catching wind of it. I might have to wait til she’s in the city with her mates on the weekend, and not at home in Croydon.

I’ll line it up with my next trip into Ringwood. Roadworthy certificates are starting to appear in the slightly stressful dreams I’ve been having lately, which is clearly a sign that I need to cross this item off my neglected to-do list. We can’t get the car re-registered in Cass’s name until we have the RWC, which means we also can’t pick up the new number plates from VicRoads. Note to self: track down an auto service centre in Ringwood.

I hope she appreciates all the running around that’s gone into this gift, although I don’t expect that she will – 22 year-olds in south-east Melbourne tend to be pretty low in the department of understanding the hoop-jumping their parents go through on their behalf. Luckily, I’m high on the spirit of Christmas right now (if I wasn’t, I’d have been to the mechanic already rather than shopping for decorative marzipan balls).

 

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Today, the Ultimate Hair Smoother

It’s not the most glamorous life, being a guinea pig. But then…I knew what I was getting into. I signed a massive document that I had to read in detail, and it described all of the horrible things that could happen if something went wrong during the testing process. Because…well, that’s the point of being a guinea pig. But then I’m getting paid stacks to just show up, press some buttons, sometimes just have something sprayed in my face. One quick survey later and I can take the rest of the day off, which is occasionally extra-great because my head has swollen, or I’ve been infected with a mild-to-moderate strain of the black plague. Eh, occupational hazard.

So yeah, fun. Today’s invention was the Ultimate Hair Smoother. Supposedly it’s going to be trialled in a few hair salons in the Melbourne CBD before they roll it out worldwide, but of course, I’m here to make sure it’s totally safe for even the trial process. I even got a bit of a pitch this time: it’s a helmet, of sorts, that makes all hair types into a single type. Just pop it on, and you’ve got the smooth, wavy look that just falls into place by itself, regardless of how many hats you wear or jumpers you take on and off. I think the aim is for people who go and get a haircut, but don’t know how to look after it afterwards. They can just take a spin in the Hair Smoother and they won’t have to worry about the day-to-day maintenance, for a little while at least. So for the first time you can go along to a hairdresser and say ‘I’d like THAT look, please’ and they don’t have to just give you the closest thing possible for your hair type. Of course, it can only give you the one, wavy look, but it’s better than wanting to look like a movie star but having hair like a broom.

Interesting results so far. My scalp sort of feels…tingly. Like a thousand ants with little knives are stabbing me repeatedly. I’m also experiencing tunnel vision, migraines and I think telekinesis. Just gonna tick the ‘unsure’ box on that last one. Along with the ‘cannot currently recommend for Melbourne best hair salons’ box. But hey, big pay day, AND my hair looks fab.

-Alex

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Preparing your home is about preparing the details

The devil is in the details, as the old saying goes. That means that the most important part to the whole is the collection of the parts, and making sure all the parts are working correctly is the most important thing you can do when preparing for a big day. If you are looking to sell your home, you need to maximise the number of offers, as well as the price those offers give. This is achieved by making your home look as appealing as possible, and this is done with the parts.

One of the parts that’s most important to the success of an open house, an auction, or any house related venture, is the windows. They give a great representation of the home in general, and can be a great way to make sure that you get the best sale price for your home. Windows can be easily damaged or broken if they aren’t properly maintained and can suffer serious hardship. This is not only bad for sales, it can cause injury to yourself, your family, or the next owners of the house. That’s why it’s so important to keep your windows as well maintained as possible, and make sure that window repair companies based in Melbourne do a flawless job in repairing damage.

Some say that windows are the heart and soul of any home. I’m not so sure if that’s true, but they are certainly important to the style of a home. If you want your home to get the most from your window replacements, be sure to find out the best aluminium or timber bi fold windows in Melbourne. If you are planning on selling, it’s best to get a professional to come to the house to check over the existing windows. That way they’re able to repair or replace any broken or worn out windows that turn away buyers with a keen eye. Together you can decide how best to showcase your home to potential buyers.

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There Was An Old Woman From Toorak

While I was on the train this morning, I couldn’t help eavesdropping on the conversation being had by two guys sitting across from me. From the fact that one of them was scribbling notes in the margins of a paper entitled ‘Taxation Issues Relating to Deceased Estates’, I was able to deduce that they were estate planning lawyers based in Melbourne.  They’d flown in to help with the preparation of a will for an eccentric and extremely wealthy elderly woman.

The stories they were telling about her sounded made up, to be honest. Apparently, she has 12 pugs living with her in her Toorak mansion, every interior surface of which she’s had painted or tiled or carpeted in various shades of purple. She also, purportedly, owns millions of dollars worth of contemporary art. But the real weirdness kicks in with the fact that (according to the lawyers) she intended to have her body preserved in formaldehyde by a high-profile British artist, and presented to the beneficiaries of her estate. She would, in effect, become part of her collection of personal assets.

The lawyers sounded a bit concerned about the legal implications of this, as well as about her proposed nomination of beneficiaries: her pugs. As a minor aside, there were also some questions on the table regarding the effects of marriage, divorce and re-marriage on how the distribution of her questionable assets would pan out. Somehow, through one kind of administrative oversight or another, she’s managed to end up officially married to two people at the same time, neither of whom know about her being married to the other.

However much these lawyers know about the technicalities of probate, Melbourne is probably looking like a pretty strange place to be right about now. It’s hard for me to believe that all this is true, though. Could it have been some kind of lawyerly in-joke? Or maybe they were actors doing a training exercise? I’ll never know.

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They’re…Video-Sharing Platforms

I love me a good pun. So long as it’s an amusing wordplay, it totally works for me. In fact, I’m part of a one-man travelling art project, seeking to unveil the tiny, wonderful word plays that exist in the world all around us. Recently I arrived in Melbourne, and I asked around to see what the big industries are right now. People really seemed to like welding, but I wasn’t getting anything from that. Pet grooming was interesting enough, but…too easy. Animal puns are the lowest of the low hanging fruit.

And then someone mentioned that mobile scaffolding was big news, and I had a brainwave. Funny, that…I’ve just been in Sydney, and they’re experiencing a massive burst of interest in this new brand of instant coffee. So that was fine. But platforms? That’s a word that can go places. I found myself full of excitement and energy as my mind began to spin through the possibilities.

My current exhibit can be found in Trafalgar Square since it seemed pretty appropriate. I’ve got a bunch of aluminium platforms, some very long extension cords and all kinds of videos playing on various screens. For you see, they are video-sharing…platforms. Platforms for sharing videos. Pretty clever, right? I got the idea from watching Me-Straw. There are loads of video sharing platforms online, so what I’ve done is created the ultimate video sharing platforms in real life. If people get it, then good for them. If they don’t…well, this is Melbourne. There are all kinds of weird pieces of modern art lining the streets, so no one really questions it. I’m pretty sure I set up the aluminium platforms right, so that’s the main thing. I spent a lot of money on all those screens, but then that’s my level of passion for visual puns. They really do separate the strong from the weak-minded.

-Todd

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Pest Control, or Pest Negotiation?

You know, sometimes I think pests get themselves a bad rap. Bad rep? One of those.

So everyone sees an ant and they flip out. They call in the pest controllers, and that’s the end of that. And then there are the strange crowd who think you can talk to the bugs, which is…yeah, that’s a thing. But still, I have a pet rat, and it’s made me think. Obviously this is a fancy rat. No disease, only goes to the toilet inside his neat little cage, and never bites or anything. Very friendly.

What if we could do that with other pests? Okay, so you’re in Frankston. You see some termites and it’s just no good. They need to understand that their actions are harmful, and that the current situation is not okay. So the pest controllers from Frankston come along…and they could be trained differently. The termites, I mean. Well, the termites AND the controllers. Instead of extermination, a compromise is reached where the invaders are lead to see the error of their ways and ;eave of their own accord to go and chew on a tree that nobody cares about. So, insect negotiation.

Not just insects. I know for a fact that mice and rats are extremely intelligent creatures, some of them more so than dogs and cats.

I’m not sure if the termite control professionals out of Frankston deal with other pests that could be of equal threat to homes. I do think that with negotiation, positive reinforcement and possibly a reward for continued good behaviour, pest control can be done without anything having to lose its life.

Now, I’m not PETA or anything. And I know some mice and rats and termites and spiders (ESPECIALLY spiders) just won’t understand. Their stubbornness will make actual pest control experts, as they are now, necessary. But still…it’s food for thought.

-June

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People Should Sail More

There are a great many materials that aren’t good for boats. Paper is definitely one of them…but after yesterday’s fiasco, everyone knows that. It still happens every year, we try to tell them not to, but…they still do it! What a joy, year after year.

Still, I feel like boats are steadily growing more and more obscure every year. Maybe that’s because they’re a bit of a commitment, and the whole world now runs on activities that can be completed with your butt in a seat. Still…it’s not exactly a golden age of boating. Ask your average person in Melbourne about anchor winch maintenance, and they won’t really know because they’ve never been taught. It seems as if the only way you know about boating culture is if you were born into it.

Maybe I’m wrong, and that’s just the way it’s always been. Or maybe I’m projecting! Perhaps my love of the sea is clouding my judgement, and I just think everyone should like the same things as me. Still, I really do genuinely believe that people are missing out. There’s no feeling quite like cruising around a bay in your very own vessel, or even just going for a ride in someone else’s. For creatures with no real swimming ability compared to the species that live in the sea, it sure does feel right to be out there, with the wind in your face and the sea spray all around. People have always loved the sea; it’s why so many cities are built right next to them. Well, that and trade.

Okay, so maintaining your own boat is a chore at times. Melbourne based outboard motor repairs companies are pretty good, though…it’s not like you won’t find someone to help you out.

I don’t know. I just think everyone should try owning a boat, or at least getting down to the docks every once in awhile. You’ll almost certainly have a great time.

-Debbie

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The Chamber of Meetings

Alright, so we just did THE weirdest thing ever. Pretty expensive as well; Melbourne’s portable hyperbaric chambers aren’t exactly ordinary furniture. And even THAT can be pretty expensive. But we had our big planning meeting for the entire year, and a lot rides on that sort of thing. Shows are getting cut, others are getting renewed, and then I had to make my presentation on the merits of rebooting the old ‘Schmuck-Tales’ series. We only trialing children’s TV, so it might end up being a bit of a risk.

Then we arrived at the staff meeting, and there was no desk, and no chairs. The boss had filled the room with hyperbaric chambers…you know, like the ones you use to recover from sports injuries and for people with breathing problems. But now, he wanted us to all get inside, breathe in some sweet oxygen and communicate via intercom.

Yep. Weirdest planning meeting ever. But I have to say, I’m pretty sure it worked. Nothing like breathing in some extra oxygen to really get those brain cells going. Mark came up with this amazing idea to renew ‘The Fizzy Quagmire Show’, but move the setting to Sydney from Canberra and have the main characters trying to make it as pop stars instead of politicians. Kids will be much more into it. We were finally brought around to the idea that Ricky Louse was actually a terrible mascot and we need to rebrand with a more cuddly animal. And of course, my presentation on ‘Schmuck-Tales’ went off without a hitch. We’re meeting with an animation team tomorrow.

Dang, Melbourne’s hyperbaric oxygen therapy really does do the brain some good. I’ve never felt more focused. Hopefully we can hold onto the ideas, but…well, all those chambers are still sitting there. I thought they were rentals, but I guess we actually went ahead and bought all of them. Could be useful?

-Rav