When magic was released back into the world, Elara quickly realised she was one of the most skilled magicians. It was a natural talent, and since she was only a teenager when she came into her power, her mother insisted she be entered into the new magical school that had just opened in order to study the art.

But before magic appeared, Elara had always wanted to be a kitchen designer. One day, as she was walking through the city streets, she overheard a group of people talking about the best kitchen design company Melbourne has that had just opened up a few blocks away. Her classes didn’t start for another hour, and Elara was intrigued. She switched her route and decided to check it out. Upon arriving at the store, she was greeted by a friendly staff member who gave her a tour of the showroom. The designs were breathtaking, and Elara was immediately hooked.

She skipped class and stayed in the showroom. She didn’t care about her grades; instead, she spent hours poring over the different styles and imagining what her own kitchen could look like. She was just about to take out her notepad and write down her first ideas when she heard a loud crash from the back of the showroom. Her instincts kicked in, and she rushed to investigate. A group of trolls had broken in and were barrelling through the showroom, wreaking havoc on the marble sinks and the delicately-crafted cabinets. Elara jumped into action, using her magic to subdue them. Ropes flew from her fingers and tangled themselves around the trolls, sending them spiralling to the ground.

The showroom owner rushed into the room with a concerned look on her face. When Elara explained what had happened, the owner congratulated Elara for her bravery and expressed her sorrow at having to install a whole new kitchen due to the kitchen replacement cost. Thinking quickly, Elara waved her fingers and fashioned a whole new kitchen from thin air. This was a type of magic she had never tried before, since it involved conjuring a lot of really difficult parts and materials.

OH. MY. ALTERNATE VIEWING.

I know I usually just talk about the one thing, but how can I when the Great Australian Trade-Off is back on our screens? I do have other interests, and one of them is a bit of home improvement. Well, when I can get the lazy husband off his butt to come and help me, but…who needs him? I don’t mind rolling up my sleeves and ripping out a few kitchen cabinets to make way for new and better things.

That was the main focus of the show this week, of course: complete kitchen renovations. The contestants were set some extremely tough challenges, watched over by professionals in the kitchen makeover field, and let me tell ya…I would’ve looked at some of these projects and hung up my GATO tool belt right there and then. Glynda, that silly woman who got eliminated last week, would’ve fainted on the spot. I suppose they must all just be more professional than that, because they took it in their stride and got down to some serious kitchen makeover madness.

Jorge was given a kitchen to renovate that was basically OWNED by rats, so he had to remove them and then clean up…everything they left behind. Tania was set upon a student kitchen that had seemingly never been cleaned, with the cooker so gunked up that she needed a blowtorch to get through the grime. And Harriet…wow. She was given a kitchen from the eighties. Sunshine yellow tiles, all over the dang place. It was an absolute nightmare and she turned it into a dream.

Oh gosh, I could watch people do kitchen refacing all day long. We really should just bite the bullet and pay for that subscription to the industrial kitchen renovation channel: kitchen renovations, 24/7.

-Leticia

Now that we’re all settling in nicely, it’s time to put in the flourishes on the place. The castle-mansion was quite nice when we moved in, but this is all about putting in a personal touch. I can’t see us ever going back to Romania, not in quite a number of years, so it’s time to start planning some serious renovations. Surely, there are plenty of purveyors of

Kitchens in Transylvania are quite taken with the theme of black. Black stoves, black cookers, and all of it looking rather rustic, like it was all hand-forged. Indeed, our kitchen back in the family castle was hand-forged back in the 1400s when the castle was built, with only minor adjustments for modern conveniences. My favourite piece was in the very centre of the kitchen: a cast-iron furnace, big enough for several people to stand inside. I wonder if any kitchen renovators would be able to ‘hook us up’ with something similar? Not that we want to put people in there, of course! Haha. You don’t cook people…it ruins all the flavour.

In any case, I’m also really wanting a kitchen surface of black marble like we used to have. I liked the effect, and it made cleaning a charm. The wife really enjoyed the storage, so something like that will go over quite well, plus we can’t forget the children’s cupboard. We like to instill a sense of duty and reward, so they both have their dedicated space for ingredients and also treats.

Perhaps we’ll get together as a family and make a list of things we need. Oh, and a commercial deep fryer would be wonderful! And if we have to import some pure-black cast iron…we shall!

-I.M. Payler-Alucard