Life, Conveyancing and…So Much More

There are a lot of spies in movies, I’ve noticed. Do people really love spies that much? I know their jobs are exciting, but what’s considered exciting is really quite subjective. For example, I have a friend who trains guide dogs for a living, and every time we meet she’s always telling me how exciting everything is. Whereas there are loads of people who’d think that was pretty neutral, or even terrible.

Things are subjective, basically. So I’m wondering why there aren’t more films based around people in office jobs. People in Melbourne do conveyancing, you know. Quite a lot of them. They go to work in an office, and put their sandwiches in the fridge, and do coffee runs. They help clients and go on annual leave and sometimes have arguments with people who steal their parking spaces. It’s mostly just a lot of conveyancing though.

See, some people love that kind of thing. The real life that we all live every day is really the greatest adventure of all, if you think about it…so where are all the movies about that? They got pretty close with that one movie about the kid growing up, but really, that was just an overblown character drama disguised as a study of the human condition. BORING.

Oh sure, there are films about growing up, finding true love, solving family dramas and sometimes looking after dogs…but none on the struggles of setting up a tent in the rain. Or trying to plant azaleas out of season. People don’t make movies about ‘real life’; they make movies about life’s biggest struggles, which doesn’t speak to our everyday experience. I mean, there MIGHT be an artsy film about housing, but it’ll be all concerned with massive issues and national scandals, rather than just conveyancing and settlement. Melbourne alone has so much potential for representing the human life, as we actually live it. And yet…there’s no money in realism.

-F.L.

Act II, Scene 3, Nothing Exciting

If life were a musical, then this would be the second number of the second act. The opening number of the second act isn’t usually anything special- although sometimes it can be a sleeper hit- so the one after that is usually pretty lacklustre. The audience is warmed up, and if they haven’t left during the intermission then they’re usually pretty invested in the story. So the second number? Pretty dull. Name any musical, and I’ll show you by example.

Things are just…dull. But they feel like they COULD get better, if I had the will to do something about it. My own brother just got his own Melbourne property with a buyers advocate because he’s marrying the girl of his dreams. A fancy house he can afford because he has a fancy job, I might add. Things picked up a bit last month when I went to that seminar on saving for your dream home today, but you know how those things can be. You get all pumped up on emotion, they tell you that you can achieve anything, they shower you in graphs and charts that show that you, too, can be a homeowner if you put in some hard work. Everyone holds hands, closes their eyes and repeats a solemn promise that they are an achiever and they can do anything. And then you’re left with a pamphlet and a bunch of empty promises as you go back to wherever it is you currently live and feel flat. Obviously you feel flat. You can’t summon a circle of people every time you want to feel enthused. And who has the property advocate? My brother. And he didn’t go to any conferences at all. He’s just the firstborn golden child who got the good job and the beautiful wife and the dog that could be some kind of dog model on the front of a bag of dog food. And here’s me…with my pamphlet. It’s a pretty nice pamphlet, though. Very glossy. Plenty of home buying tips.