The divorce papers have finally been signed! Hallelujah. Now, here’s the really exciting part – I’ve been planning this for a while, so bear with my excitement. I’m celebrating by (drum roll, please) installing a new kitchen! It’s going to be epic: the gas stovetop I’ve always wanted, heaps of bench space – maybe even an island! – and a walk-in pantry. Best of all, I’ll get to have all this in the exotic colour scheme I’ve always been into (Michelle was all about the neutral colours).
In light of this, I’m currently on a mission to unlock the best kitchen renovation in Melbourne. This is a celebratory investment, remember, which means I won’t settle for anything less than my personal idea of perfection. As much as this might be an unattainable ideal in a marriage (as Michelle discovered, to her dismay), I think I can capture it in my kitchen paradise. I’m picturing all the surfaces, hardware and finishings being perfectly integrated, with a tailor-made place for everything, from appliances to waste.
So, here’s a question for all you design-heads clogging up the fabric of Melbourne: kitchen design. Talk to me about it. What are your non-negotiables? Is there something I need to incorporate that I haven’t thought of? I should mention that I’m an avid home cook, and the kitchen has always been my sanctuary in any house I’ve lived in. It’s really the heart of my home. That’s why I’m going all out on this renovation. I deserve it, after all those years spent married to someone who wound up having the bare minimum of appreciation for me or my passion for cooking.
I suppose I should keep my head a little; we had some good times. And I don’t need to go too crazy trying to reinvent the wheel and create a totally innovative kitchen experiences. At the end of the day, I’m set on a luxury kitchen, but I also want something classic and, ultimately, functional. It’s a delicate balance, much like the combination of spices in a truly mind-blowing rogan josh.
It’s not the most glamorous life, being a guinea pig. But then…I knew what I was getting into. I signed a massive document that I had to read in detail, and it described all of the horrible things that could happen if something went wrong during the testing process. Because…well, that’s the point of being a guinea pig. But then I’m getting paid stacks to just show up, press some buttons, sometimes just have something sprayed in my face. One quick survey later and I can take the rest of the day off, which is occasionally extra-great because my head has swollen, or I’ve been infected with a mild-to-moderate strain of the black plague. Eh, occupational hazard.
So yeah, fun. Today’s invention was the Ultimate Hair Smoother. Supposedly it’s going to be trialled in a few hair salons in the Melbourne CBD before they roll it out worldwide, but of course, I’m here to make sure it’s totally safe for even the trial process. I even got a bit of a pitch this time: it’s a helmet, of sorts, that makes all hair types into a single type. Just pop it on, and you’ve got the smooth, wavy look that just falls into place by itself, regardless of how many hats you wear or jumpers you take on and off. I think the aim is for people who go and get a haircut, but don’t know how to look after it afterwards. They can just take a spin in the Hair Smoother and they won’t have to worry about the day-to-day maintenance, for a little while at least. So for the first time you can go along to a hairdresser and say ‘I’d like THAT look, please’ and they don’t have to just give you the closest thing possible for your hair type. Of course, it can only give you the one, wavy look, but it’s better than wanting to look like a movie star but having hair like a broom.
Interesting results so far. My scalp sort of feels…tingly. Like a thousand ants with little knives are stabbing me repeatedly. I’m also experiencing tunnel vision, migraines and I think telekinesis. Just gonna tick the ‘unsure’ box on that last one. Along with the ‘cannot currently recommend for Melbourne best hair salons’ box. But hey, big pay day, AND my hair looks fab.
The devil is in the details, as the old saying goes. That means that the most important part to the whole is the collection of the parts, and making sure all the parts are working correctly is the most important thing you can do when preparing for a big day. If you are looking to sell your home, you need to maximise the number of offers, as well as the price those offers give. This is achieved by making your home look as appealing as possible, and this is done with the parts.
One of the parts that’s most important to the success of an open house, an auction, or any house related venture, is the windows. They give a great representation of the home in general, and can be a great way to make sure that you get the best sale price for your home. Windows can be easily damaged or broken if they aren’t properly maintained and can suffer serious hardship. This is not only bad for sales, it can cause injury to yourself, your family, or the next owners of the house. That’s why it’s so important to keep your windows as well maintained as possible, and make sure that window repair companies based in Melbourne do a flawless job in repairing damage.
Some say that windows are the heart and soul of any home. I’m not so sure if that’s true, but they are certainly important to the style of a home. If you want your home to get the most from your window replacements, be sure to find out the best aluminium or timber bi fold windows in Melbourne. If you are planning on selling, it’s best to get a professional to come to the house to check over the existing windows. That way they’re able to repair or replace any broken or worn out windows that turn away buyers with a keen eye. Together you can decide how best to showcase your home to potential buyers.
While I was on the train this morning, I couldn’t help eavesdropping on the conversation being had by two guys sitting across from me. From the fact that one of them was scribbling notes in the margins of a paper entitled ‘Taxation Issues Relating to Deceased Estates’, I was able to deduce that they were estate planning lawyers based in Melbourne. They’d flown in to help with the preparation of a will for an eccentric and extremely wealthy elderly woman.
The stories they were telling about her sounded made up, to be honest. Apparently, she has 12 pugs living with her in her Toorak mansion, every interior surface of which she’s had painted or tiled or carpeted in various shades of purple. She also, purportedly, owns millions of dollars worth of contemporary art. But the real weirdness kicks in with the fact that (according to the lawyers) she intended to have her body preserved in formaldehyde by a high-profile British artist, and presented to the beneficiaries of her estate. She would, in effect, become part of her collection of personal assets.
The lawyers sounded a bit concerned about the legal implications of this, as well as about her proposed nomination of beneficiaries: her pugs. As a minor aside, there were also some questions on the table regarding the effects of marriage, divorce and re-marriage on how the distribution of her questionable assets would pan out. Somehow, through one kind of administrative oversight or another, she’s managed to end up officially married to two people at the same time, neither of whom know about her being married to the other.
However much these lawyers know about the technicalities of probate, Melbourne is probably looking like a pretty strange place to be right about now. It’s hard for me to believe that all this is true, though. Could it have been some kind of lawyerly in-joke? Or maybe they were actors doing a training exercise? I’ll never know.
If life were a musical, then this would be the second number of the second act. The opening number of the second act isn’t usually anything special- although sometimes it can be a sleeper hit- so the one after that is usually pretty lacklustre. The audience is warmed up, and if they haven’t left during the intermission then they’re usually pretty invested in the story. So the second number? Pretty dull. Name any musical, and I’ll show you by example.
Things are just…dull. But they feel like they COULD get better, if I had the will to do something about it. My own brother just got his own Melbourne property with a buyers advocate because he’s marrying the girl of his dreams. A fancy house he can afford because he has a fancy job, I might add. Things picked up a bit last month when I went to that seminar on saving for your dream home today, but you know how those things can be. You get all pumped up on emotion, they tell you that you can achieve anything, they shower you in graphs and charts that show that you, too, can be a homeowner if you put in some hard work. Everyone holds hands, closes their eyes and repeats a solemn promise that they are an achiever and they can do anything. And then you’re left with a pamphlet and a bunch of empty promises as you go back to wherever it is you currently live and feel flat. Obviously you feel flat. You can’t summon a circle of people every time you want to feel enthused. And who has the property advocate? My brother. And he didn’t go to any conferences at all. He’s just the firstborn golden child who got the good job and the beautiful wife and the dog that could be some kind of dog model on the front of a bag of dog food. And here’s me…with my pamphlet. It’s a pretty nice pamphlet, though. Very glossy. Plenty of home buying tips.
Have you ever been hit over the head with a fishing rod? I have. I didn’t think I’d ever be admitted to hospital with concussion from a fishing-rod related incident, but there you go…life is just full of surprises.
The Annual Book Club Fishing Trip has always been a time of great peace, much like actual book club meetings. I suggested it years ago as a way to get the club outdoors, but also not have anyone shy away due to intense physical activity. I figured…well, I know about fishing rod holders and boat types and the whole industry, and everyone’s just going to spend the whole time reading anyway, so why not? And it was a success! It actually brought people into the book club, since everyone wanted a piece of the action. Not much ‘action’, but…well, i think it became pretty far known that we were a book club with a twist. I got all my book friends into fishing, the club grew, and so eventually we had over seventy people lining up for the fishing trip. And all I did was suggest we study ‘Catch of the Day: A History of Rod Holders’. I just thought everyone would like to learn more about the industry, you know? But someone started a massive argument over whether plate alloy boats were a better and more efficient option than traditional wooden ones. Things flared up, and to be honest, I think there was a lot of tension this year after the whole coffee spill incident. The fuse was lit…and then Anthea just blurted out that she’d always thought that ‘To Kill a Mocking Nerd’ was THE worst book ever written. You know, the most polarizing book in the club’s entire history. There was no going back. The battle raged across boats. I tried to stop it, but 92-year-old Bert Willsby smacked me over the head with his fishing rod and sent me to hospital.
I just…wanted people to learn about fishing, snapper racks and the joys of reading on the water. I never wanted this.
I love me a good pun. So long as it’s an amusing wordplay, it totally works for me. In fact, I’m part of a one-man travelling art project, seeking to unveil the tiny, wonderful word plays that exist in the world all around us. Recently I arrived in Melbourne, and I asked around to see what the big industries are right now. People really seemed to like welding, but I wasn’t getting anything from that. Pet grooming was interesting enough, but…too easy. Animal puns are the lowest of the low hanging fruit.
And then someone mentioned that mobile scaffolding was big news, and I had a brainwave. Funny, that…I’ve just been in Sydney, and they’re experiencing a massive burst of interest in this new brand of instant coffee. So that was fine. But platforms? That’s a word that can go places. I found myself full of excitement and energy as my mind began to spin through the possibilities.
My current exhibit can be found in Trafalgar Square since it seemed pretty appropriate. I’ve got a bunch of aluminium platforms, some very long extension cords and all kinds of videos playing on various screens. For you see, they are video-sharing…platforms. Platforms for sharing videos. Pretty clever, right? I got the idea from watching Me-Straw. There are loads of video sharing platforms online, so what I’ve done is created the ultimate video sharing platforms in real life. If people get it, then good for them. If they don’t…well, this is Melbourne. There are all kinds of weird pieces of modern art lining the streets, so no one really questions it. I’m pretty sure I set up the aluminium platforms right, so that’s the main thing. I spent a lot of money on all those screens, but then that’s my level of passion for visual puns. They really do separate the strong from the weak-minded.
You know, sometimes I think pests get themselves a bad rap. Bad rep? One of those.
So everyone sees an ant and they flip out. They call in the pest controllers, and that’s the end of that. And then there are the strange crowd who think you can talk to the bugs, which is…yeah, that’s a thing. But still, I have a pet rat, and it’s made me think. Obviously this is a fancy rat. No disease, only goes to the toilet inside his neat little cage, and never bites or anything. Very friendly.
What if we could do that with other pests? Okay, so you’re in Frankston. You see some termites and it’s just no good. They need to understand that their actions are harmful, and that the current situation is not okay. So the pest controllers from Frankston come along…and they could be trained differently. The termites, I mean. Well, the termites AND the controllers. Instead of extermination, a compromise is reached where the invaders are lead to see the error of their ways and ;eave of their own accord to go and chew on a tree that nobody cares about. So, insect negotiation.
Not just insects. I know for a fact that mice and rats are extremely intelligent creatures, some of them more so than dogs and cats.
I’m not sure if the termite control professionals out of Frankston deal with other pests that could be of equal threat to homes. I do think that with negotiation, positive reinforcement and possibly a reward for continued good behaviour, pest control can be done without anything having to lose its life.
Now, I’m not PETA or anything. And I know some mice and rats and termites and spiders (ESPECIALLY spiders) just won’t understand. Their stubbornness will make actual pest control experts, as they are now, necessary. But still…it’s food for thought.
There are a great many materials that aren’t good for boats. Paper is definitely one of them…but after yesterday’s fiasco, everyone knows that. It still happens every year, we try to tell them not to, but…they still do it! What a joy, year after year.
Still, I feel like boats are steadily growing more and more obscure every year. Maybe that’s because they’re a bit of a commitment, and the whole world now runs on activities that can be completed with your butt in a seat. Still…it’s not exactly a golden age of boating. Ask your average person in Melbourne about anchor winch maintenance, and they won’t really know because they’ve never been taught. It seems as if the only way you know about boating culture is if you were born into it.
Maybe I’m wrong, and that’s just the way it’s always been. Or maybe I’m projecting! Perhaps my love of the sea is clouding my judgement, and I just think everyone should like the same things as me. Still, I really do genuinely believe that people are missing out. There’s no feeling quite like cruising around a bay in your very own vessel, or even just going for a ride in someone else’s. For creatures with no real swimming ability compared to the species that live in the sea, it sure does feel right to be out there, with the wind in your face and the sea spray all around. People have always loved the sea; it’s why so many cities are built right next to them. Well, that and trade.
Okay, so maintaining your own boat is a chore at times. Melbourne based outboard motor repairs companies are pretty good, though…it’s not like you won’t find someone to help you out.
I don’t know. I just think everyone should try owning a boat, or at least getting down to the docks every once in awhile. You’ll almost certainly have a great time.
Alright, so we just did THE weirdest thing ever. Pretty expensive as well; Melbourne’s portable hyperbaric chambers aren’t exactly ordinary furniture. And even THAT can be pretty expensive. But we had our big planning meeting for the entire year, and a lot rides on that sort of thing. Shows are getting cut, others are getting renewed, and then I had to make my presentation on the merits of rebooting the old ‘Schmuck-Tales’ series. We only trialing children’s TV, so it might end up being a bit of a risk.
Then we arrived at the staff meeting, and there was no desk, and no chairs. The boss had filled the room with hyperbaric chambers…you know, like the ones you use to recover from sports injuries and for people with breathing problems. But now, he wanted us to all get inside, breathe in some sweet oxygen and communicate via intercom.
Yep. Weirdest planning meeting ever. But I have to say, I’m pretty sure it worked. Nothing like breathing in some extra oxygen to really get those brain cells going. Mark came up with this amazing idea to renew ‘The Fizzy Quagmire Show’, but move the setting to Sydney from Canberra and have the main characters trying to make it as pop stars instead of politicians. Kids will be much more into it. We were finally brought around to the idea that Ricky Louse was actually a terrible mascot and we need to rebrand with a more cuddly animal. And of course, my presentation on ‘Schmuck-Tales’ went off without a hitch. We’re meeting with an animation team tomorrow.
Dang, Melbourne’s hyperbaric oxygen therapy really does do the brain some good. I’ve never felt more focused. Hopefully we can hold onto the ideas, but…well, all those chambers are still sitting there. I thought they were rentals, but I guess we actually went ahead and bought all of them. Could be useful?